Addiction

I am a food addict. I love pizza, burritos, macaroni & cheese, mashed potatoes, fried chicken, meat, cheese, candy (especially of the chocolate and peanut butter varieties), Cheez-Its, tacos, pasta (smothered in different cheeses), popcorn, ice cream (oh me, oh my do I love ice cream), cookies, cheese, soda, cereal, hamburgers, fries, cheese, spaghetti, cheese, cheese, and more cheese! Wow, it's a good thing I just ate a hearty breakfast or that would have been torture. Being a food addict, it really doesn't take much to trigger a binge of monumental proportions. Of course, a reasonable helping of each of those things is not harmful but there are no reasonable helpings for me. I don't just eat a couple of slices of pizza, I eat the whole thing! It never stops at just a handful or two of Cheez-Its, it's half the box. Or if I'm feeling especially emotional (or bored), it's the whole thing! I won't go into any more detail because it is massively embarrassing how much I eat sometimes, but let's just say that if food was alcohol, I would have messed up my life so bad by now that nobody would recognize me. I would be lying in a ditch somewhere.

Food addiction might not ruin your life as drastically as alcohol or drugs, but it is just as real. And food is EVERYWHERE. I have to eat it to survive. There is no escaping temptation. The signs of that addiction show all over my body. I can feel people looking at me, judging me for not having any self-control. But I can't stop. I tell myself that I am going to eat one more handful of that buttery popcorn, but that handful turns into three. Three turns into six and before I know it, I've eaten the entire bowl and I'm heading back to the kitchen to make more. It is depressing, which only makes me want to eat more because I have trained myself to make food my constant companion. My comfort. It doesn't make sense in my head. I know that food will never truly comfort me and I know how I am ruining my body but my heart and stomach ACHE for food. I eat when I am depressed, mad, sick (yeah that's weird), nervous, sad, lonely, anxious, scared, and bored. Boredom is one of my worst enemies.

I have started different diets and lost a lot of weight in the past, but I never get very far and the weight ALWAYS comes back on, sometimes double. I make excuses about my thyroid, or being pregnant, or nursing, or not having time, but they are just that- excuses! This time I have no choice. I can't be the daughter of Christ, wife, and mother that I am meant to be while I am constantly living in survival mode. I want to be intentional about my life. It is time to stop being a hypocrite and show my children that I have self-control.

So what can I do? How do I change my lifestyle and break my addiction to this life-sustaining substance? One step at a time. One tiny little step at a time. It is not going to be easy, but I will break these lifelong habits that have been ruining my health and happiness with small lifestyle changes. Once I feel comfortable in that change, I will move on to my next set of goals.

I will always be tempted by my addiction. However, I can say, "NO!" to those temptations and overcome them, but I can't do it on my own! My husband is on an awesome weight loss journey as well and I know that he can do it, but he doesn't thrive on the personal interactions like I do. So after a failed attempt at making videos (I just don't have the time or skills), I am going to keep this blog. It is my hope that others will choose to do it with me so we can hold each other accountable and inspire one another. Will you join me?

"For those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31